Do you remember way back before you had children - let's call it BC - when you made yourself certain promises about the type of person you would be in motherhood?
Do you remember being out for a nice meal with your other half while a couple of harassed looking parents tried to 'manage' their screaming toddler is was yelling till his face turns violet that HE WANTS AN ICE CREAM and he wants it RIGHT NOW?
Did you tsk at them too?
It's OK, I've been there. And now I feel a great need to apologize out loud to all the mothers I ever gave dirty looks to for having screaming, unmanageable kids.
You see, BC you swear to yourself that you will never ever let your child become a walking advert for Barney/Dora/Pokemon or spit on a hanky while in public to wipe the chocolate from around their chops (them having eaten said chocolate just an hour before dinner time too).
And it sounds so great in your head. You'll be this tolerant, calm, earth mother whose yogic breathing practices will help her through the difficult waters and make sure she rises above the scraggy looking women with baby puke on their shoulder and a fistful of food in the back of her hair who are screaming at their tots with spittle flying out of their mouths.
I will NEVER be that woman you promise yourself.
Then reality hits you right between the eyes in the form of a child and you've got more chance of meeting George Clooney in the supermarket than having any time for yogic breathing - or any breathing for that matter - and you will do anything ANYTHING for a moment's peace or to stop your cheek-burning embarassment in the middle of a packed supermarket.
I actually laughed out loud when I read this post at Ravings of a Mad Housewife - she so knows what I'm talking about.
And it got me thinking, what did I swear I would never do in motherhood?
1. Bribe my children with treats.
Their little bodies are a temple right? Well not when I'm half way round Tesco with a full trolley and Mia decides that she kinda fancies throwing the shopping out of the trolley as fast as I'm putting in is the way to ease the boredom and shouting "oi lady" to other shoppers is way more fun than helping mummy with the shopping list.
2. Talk about my children ALL THE TIME.
Parents do that, have you noticed? Every little event in their child's development is replayed in graphic detail and if you sit next to a parent at work you know so much about their potty training/bed wetting/tantrums that you actually want to throw a tantrum of your own.
And heaven forbid you ever get two mums sitting together at work - it's like the waiting room for the local midwife.
Now I'm a mum I have to gag myself.
"It was so funny this morning . . ." I start, then think actually, unless you were there it's actually not that funny at all.
3. Take your child to work.
A big no no. People say 'bring him in as soon as you can' but they don't actually mean it. They mean bring a photo in. Just as it was toxic to touch a child for the creatures in Monsters Inc, so it is for the childless at work. I actually used to rush to the loos to avoid babies brought in to the office. And mums always always picked me to thrust their cherished newborn at.
4. Use the TV as a babysitter.
Picture the scene. You've just got in from work after picking the children up from school/nursery/grandma's. You need to make them something to eat, make yourself a medicinal cup of tea and juggle making their packed lunch for tomorrow while also thinking what to make yourself and hubby for tea.
While you're trying to do all this you have one child hanging off your leg demanding to be picked up, the other begging you to play Frustration with them (ah yes, very apt name for a game) and it's pouring with rain outside so if they do go out and play you have at least an hours clearing up to do after.
Who you gonna call? Sportacus of course - 25 minutes of Lazytown is just enough time to race around the house like someone pressed the fast forward button and get all of those jobs done.
5. Promise yourselves that your child will never be THAT kid that kicks, bites, pull hair.
Yeah right, until that is you get the call from nursery saying your cute little girl has been bullying the boys.
I remember the times the nursery staff had to pull me to one side to tell me some child had bitten Daniel or committed some other equally heinous crime. Boy did I tut and curse their parents. And don't even get me started on the day he came home having learned to say f*** - and he had heard it from a four-year-old girl.
What's wrong with these people, I would rage at hubby, do they not have any control over their children?
Then I had a daughter and she seems to be slowly making her way through the Naughty Girl manual.
There are so many more - we will always sit down together and eat as a family, I will never feed my child chocolate before the age of 10, I will never let my children dictate our lifestyle, I will never scream like a banshee etc etc etc - so what are the promises you made yourself before becoming a parent?
I am an English working mum with two young children and a slightly less demanding career I write at blogs.coventrytelegraph.net/fromdawntillrusk blogs.coventrytelegraph.net/fromdawntillrusk/
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