All the isolation, suffering, misery, being single, getting divorced, and being lonely is our own doing. That wall is made out of judgements that we have thrown out at people. But the judgements we throw out come back and they make us hate ourselves as much as we hate others. It makes us condemn ourselves as much as we condemn others.
The model of Good person - bad person is so messed up that the resulting world it creates is a divorce rate of 50% and a relationship failure rate of 90% and addictions to anti depressants. It's created domestic violence, youth suicide and substance abuse.
Are you ready to stop that cycle?
It begins in your own heart.
Witness that, your "Wall of Blame" is how you shut people out, and how therefore, you shut yourself out. No wonder depression is on the rise.
Every person has every trait. Get over it.
If I have cruel, and I accept that everybody has cruel, and I know that whoever created nature created me, and therefore whoever created cruel meant to create it, then I must question what the hell did they do that for? Then I can go through every other trait too. Nasty, cheater, mean, ugly, stupid, dumb. I can go through every accusation that can be levelled at me and say, "Yup, it's in there."
Instead of trying to eliminate that trait, which means blame it on somebody, even the devil (so stupid) I can say, nature put it there, nature wants it there, maybe I can value it being there.
When I do this, I take control. I get to choose when I do it.
In my marriage I cheated. I promised I wouldn't. But I did. Nobody wants to validate that behaviour. But everydbody has every trait, so, the cheater was there, he acted and he caused a lot of suffering.
If you'd asked me, "Are you a cheater?" I'd have said no. I would have rationalised the affair as "good for our marriage" and the fact that I couldn't tell my wife as being her inability to understand what happened. I would have blamed everything except the right thing.
I am a cheater, but, I denied it and denied it until one day, I finally did it. I cheated.
There are a million ways to cheat on a person. We can say they look great when they don't. We can buy gifts when we don't want to but it makes them happy. We can say we love the meal when really we'd rather be out playing tennis. We can cheat a million ways. So, the question is not whether we are going to cheat, it's how.
On one hand I can deny that part of my character and then get caught in a moment when my rigid discipline fails, or, other the other hand I can accept it, and play with it.
My partner and I play with these "normally bad" locked doors in order to keep them wide open. For example, I go out to the kitchen and she hears me rustling through the cupboards, I hear her cough, hm, hm, and I know I've been sprung sneaking a spoon full of Nutella. It's a joke. We laugh. We accept the shadow, and play with it. It's like the more polaraised a person is in the "Good and Bad" of life the less public they make the bad, and the more it builds up to be an avalanche.
One lady was dripping snot on my carpet because her husband cheated on her. I asked her what she'd done to cause it. She bit my nose. (not really) but she was angry. I asked, "What part of him did he have to go out and find another woman to celebrate?" Now she was really angry. "I cooked, I had sex when he needed it, I looked after the kids. What more does he need?"
Me, "Maybe love"
She, "I loved him" (Screaming at me)
Me, "I know, but did you love all of him?"
She, "Yes, but I warned him, if ever he cheated, the marriage was over."
Me, "So, his cheating part wasn't welcome?"
She, "No, I don't want to live with a cheat."
Me, "Good, that's clear. So, do you cheat?"
She, "No Way, I hate that."
Me, "So, you never pretend you are happy when you are not? You never tell someone they are OK when they are not? You never slip a glance at another man and feel good? You never adjust your tax return to your benefit? You always tell the truth even if it hurts people? You never think and do things that your husband doesn't know about, ever?"
She, "Yes I do but I'm not proud of it."
Me, "So that cheater is in you too?"
She, "Only a bit compared to him."
Me, "But it exists?"
She, "Yes, but."
Me, "No buts. And you like or dislike that in you?"
She, "I hate it."
Me, "So you hate it in you. You hate it in him. You hate it in everyone you see that in?"
She, "yes."
Me, "So, what part of him do you think his lover accepted in order to have an affair with a married man."
She, "That whore had to have no morals. She had to accept his cheating heart."
Me, "So, you loved most of him, but not that bit, and she loved that bit but not some other bits?"
So we're not trying to validate his affair. What we're doing is to say that everyone has every trait, and to love someone you love that trait, every trait. And when you don't love every trait, because of the "Wall of Flame" and the "Wall of Blame" they go elsewhere to share it, or share it but keep it a secret. In other words just because we say it's wrong, doesn't mean it goes away.
What it means is that the more polarised we are in what's good and bad in people, the more we think we're going to meet a half person, and therefore the more we cause them to "disguise" the other side. What could be expressed in fun in the kitchen pinching Nutella from the cupboard, ends up making a real problem elsewhere.
People end up single because they create a theatre and call it life. Their characters in that theatre aren't real. Those characters are half humans, great polarities of human consciousness, but never real, two sided wholesome fun loving mischievous individuals. There's bad guys and good guys and they're split by character.
However, life is not a theatre and in the real world no such divide exists. Bad guys are the ones who express their bundle of dark traits and repress the rest. Good guys express their light side and repress the rest. Nothing is missing, just changes form. We really can't love someone until we re open our locked doors, our "Wall of Flame."
So, the best solution to being single is to judge less, be more open to others, love others for the whole diversity of traits and then we can love ourselves more.
The whole challenge of relationship is that we get to really witness ourselves. If we're a tightly bundled bunch of character traits that we love in ourselves, then it's going to be hard to imagine a partner who, as a real, red blooded human, can stay in your good books.
We treat others as we treat ourselves so, instead of trying to fix people, or to find the perfect match, it's far more humbling, loving and natural to unravel the knots we've tried to tie in our view of the world.
The people who find this most difficult are those who've invested massive energy in Self-Goodness. There are many paradigms to measure the world with. One of them, and this encompasses alternative life-styles, religious enthusiasm and the pride in American Culture is the idea of a good world excommunicating itself from a bad world. I feel that this is a great motivation, however, when it comes to relationship the parallels fail.
We are real people. Relationships are not this theatre that being single gives you some priveledge to experience. Without a partner, your model of the world doesn't get so challenged, turn off the TV, visit the theatre, read novels and stand for human rights and you can, almost create this theatre in the real world.
But if you have a child, a job, a need for money, a desire for a real passionate relationship, then, somehow this theatre is going to unravel. Maybe you can move to Byron Bay, with enough money and an endless supply of one month relationships to avoid loving the real world but even this sort of fantasy, doesn't last.
One client was such a person. He'd built up a massive wealth, owned a beautiful home in Byron and was shagging with women 30 years younger than him. He drove a fancy car, went to the gym, and looked, from the outside at least to have created the theatre of half life in the real world. Every time anything hurt, he'd just go to one of his resorts and play the five star game.
But, no matter how much he looked happy, he was single and lonely. His marriages all failed, and his affairs lasted about a month until, for the women attracted to his money and lifestyle, the reality of his critical judgements and his half world became, even for them, too much to tolerate.
This guy had everything except love in his life. He felt it, understood it, but could never stay open long enough to receive it. His "Wall of Flame" had so many shut doors, it was hard, even for him, to live in it.
Wealth helps, but love is completely immune from money and lifestyle. This wall of blame is not a material thing. Nor is it pulled down by yoga classes or meditation practices. I can introduce you to some yoga masters who have remained bottled up in loveless relationships in spite of 40 years of happinesslifetime.com yoga training. It's amazing, like my wealthy client, how we can skirt around life, changing everything, hoping to maintain the theatre and leave our "Wall of Flame and Blame" untouched.
Chris Walker - sacredlovethebook.com sacredlovethebook.com - Chris Walker is a man who knows about life. He's lived it and explored it, from corporate leadership, sport champion and mountain guide in Nepal all the way to Yoga master and Zen.His advise can come with a sting. He's not conventional, nor does he follow a conventional philosophy. Walker cuts to the chase. His guidance follows traditional teachings that come from the real core of human nature. Walker's office is outdoors. His consulting, training and retreat programs are outdoors. He speaks about true nature and helps people shift from emotional rhetoric to the true strength that comes from the human core. Chris works confidentially. He helps organisations restructure, re think and re- vision the future. He works alone, he works fast and is not intimidated by the "old guard" or the outspoken resistance. Blog Address chriswalkeronline.com chriswalkeronline.com
