We're all familiar with the experience of suddenly being at a loss for words in how to respond to a situation. Your mind fleetingly breezes over several options, and you're temporarily flummoxed as to which direction to go, so you just land on one and off you go! I've sat many a time in front of my laptop for instance, staring at the screen, trying to develop the germ of a thought for writing an article - or even responding to an email. At some point after a while, I 'wake up" and realize that I am, what I call, "externalizing." You would think I would know better by now. Externalizing gets me in trouble every time.
Externalizing means that I am thinking more about what you "out there" might need or want or benefit from hearing about, than about what I have to say. I externalize when I am more committed to being appropriate, or clever or impressive, or trying to fit in, than to exploring what I really think and feel, what I have to say, or what is going on within me at this very moment. Externalizing maintains dialog at safe, superficial levels, with a lot of verbiage about nothing particularly relevant to anyone. I can't really know what's best for you to hear, and I remain mute about what's going on with me. At it's worst it is, of course, dishonest.
So why do we externalize? Habit. Confusion. Feeling pressured to automatically react, without taking the time to think. Not having adequate language to say what we want to say. Granted, sometimes I know exactly what I feel or want to say, but for fear - of being boring or boorish, offensive, inappropriate, looking foolish, you name it - I toss about looking for another response. Probably lots of reasons. The plot thickens, with the same confusing, ultimately unsatisfying outcome.
I personally have a very low tolerance for confusion and vacuous exchange, by which I mean speaking for the sake of speaking. I find it unsatisfying - it leaves me feeling oddly empty and disconnected. I also feel it's a waste of my time. Consequently I've developed a couple of real-time strategies for getting myself back onto authentic ground.
The first is literally to internally shift the way I focus my eyes. The word externalizing refers to how we take my cues from what's outside of us, rather than from what's going on internally. In a variation on an old yoga practice preparatory to meditation, I literally withdraw my focus from my senses - from what I'm hearing, seeing, and so on - and refocus somewhere inside my body. Sometimes I focus right in my forehead behind my eyes (what do I think?), sometimes I shift to my heart (how do I feel?). I've become so practiced that while I'm shifting I might notice a part of my body calling me, like my tight jaw, and move my attention there. I'll relax it, and a shift happens in a heartbeat. Like magic, I'm on firm ground: my thinking literally shifts with my attention. I know exactly what I think about that. I'm not distracted by the competing voices inside my head feeding me back the possible negative consequences of one or another of my possible responses. "I'm back," as I like to say.
If a known fear is in the way then the internal shift moves to the realm of language. The rule is: you're always safe (from offending) when you speak about your own experience. You are also guaranteed to be compelling and to contribute something of value. So, instead of thinking and saying, "Where did you come up with that idea?" - externalizing about them - I might make an observation of how I am experiencing the exchange: "I feel very sad when you say that. It reminds me of .... " Or I "notice," or "wonder about" something, as in, "I wonder how so and so must have felt when..." "I know how I would feel if ... " By shifting into an observation of what I'm experiencing I am operating out of what's important to me and I move the conversation forward into one that might be revelatory, contribute a new perspective, or at least explore new terrain.
Two caveats apply. One is of course that we have a choice about shifting the conversational gears. There are no rules about that except your own in any given moment. The second is that you may have to remind yourself that saying what you have to say matters, and for two very paradoxically different reasons: Because you're unique and what you say can make a difference. And, because you're no different from anyone else, so that what you say matters insofar as it reminds someone of something they may have forgotten. Either way it's a win/ win and it will give you courage to speak your own mind and heart.
So when I'm trying really hard to impress I remind myself that there is nothing new under the sun, and I'm just here on this earth to dance with and acknowledge the particular melody I'm hearing right now.
Kathleen Daniel, MS, L.Ac. is a Conscious Living Coach who inspires people to live their best lives of balance, meaning and purpose. She writes about change, transition and personal leadership from the inside out, combining insights and experience from a life lived internationally, with a lifelong yoga practice and work as an acupuncturist, organizational consultant and educator. She is an alumni of Johns Hopkins Women's Leadership program, and the creator of the Wellness for Women, Pausing at Midlife and other retreats for self-renewal.
Website: aheadofthecurveatmidlife.com aheadofthecurveatmidlife.com
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